Essex Boys: Law of Survival (2015) Reviews

• The Daily Sport gives it 5 stars - so it MUST be good.

  orcadiansmeghead2015-09-26

  OK, first off, my posting as far as I can see complies with the site rules. I have looked back at the original review I did for this and have decided to edit it slightly. My original was fair, balanced, constructive and above all else, truthful. I posted a footnote on my original review stating that I'd love to hear other movie buff's opinions on it. I am not so self centred and arrogant as to not actually return to see if anyone else had seen it and that is why I have returned regularly and now see in two days flat hundreds of ratings have suddenly upped the film's average score from 4/10 to 7/10. I bet it goes up even more - very quickly, and I think we all know why and how. As long as gas stations have bargain bins, people will always make these zero-budget crass films and demand normal people pay them for it. But if you try to manipulate things by offering people sirloin and then serving them pig swill, you will alienate people from anything else you ever do ever again and people will permanently switch off. Careers can be ruined, punters will be annoyed and all signs will point to fail. If anything people should be paid to see this film as it is hard work to watch. Essex Boys - Law Of Survival is one of the worst films I have ever seen. The 'actors' are clearly not real actors, the story is unbelievable, the script is so bad its almost funny, the direction is non-existent and although I managed to get through it, I doubt most normal people with an IQ over 80 and a lack of an espresso machine will. It's absolutely dreadful. OK, there you have it. I will never watch anything by this director ever again and will purposely avoid any films I come across in the future that have any of these 'actors' in because the way this 'movie' is being portrayed by it's undeservedly high site rating (probably by people involved in it who are alarmed at the amount of negativity it is receiving) is completely and wholly dishonest. Oh, and putting a 5 star review on the cover of the DVD from the Daily Sport is ridiculous as well. The paper ran an article a while back saying a double decker bus had been found on the moon, so who are you and they trying to kid? Avoid this like the plague, unless you are really drunk, high or just love late night freesat horror-channel films, which is the only station on the planet which would broadcast this tripe, because that channel doesn't care that no-one ever watches it. It's not even entertaining by accident. Do you really think you can stand this up next to Rise Of The Footsoldier? You can't, and it shouldn't be taking advantage of Carlton Leach's reputation to try to make people think it will be anywhere in the same league. ROTF doesn't even get 7/10 on here for heavens sake. Oh, check out the reviews on this site for a film called 'Muffin Top - A Love Story' to see a slight variation on how and why individuals manage to post multiple positive reviews for a truly dire film. It only takes a click. Avoid.

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• Embarrassing. Makes a mockery of British acting

  ggizmo2015-12-21

  I cannot remember watching a movie with such bad acting. With an idiotic plot, this film is a complete embarrassment to the British film industry. Believe me when I say that it is probably the worst I have ever seen. I saw that it had a 7.1 IMDb rating, and thought it might be good. How wrong I was. Hard men who are not hard. Fights that look like they are taking place in a school playground. Blood as thick as ketchup. To sum it up. This is NOT how to make a movie. I find it difficult to believe that a review on this film has to be 10 lines long. There are not enough words to describe how bad it really is. One actor whom I remember from Londons Burning, had the lead bad guy role. He won't get employment in films again. There was also a bloke with a flat cap who was supposed to be hard. He looked totally out of place with his not hard posing. Then there was the bad dying. I thought actors learned how to die on screen. These guys must have been in the pub on the day that acting school was teaching the pupils how to die. Watching this film will make you despair at the waste of money and time used in churning out this complete drivel .

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• Congrat on making the WORST movie EVER

  matthijsalexander2015-12-30

  So I am full of hope, the Brits made another awesome hooligan movie. What the hell, what is this? I have questions, millions of question. 1) Is that chubby lead actor very rich? Did he buy himself a role? It can not be he was casted. Surely? 2) Why, in the opening scene, show a woman with big boobs, and then the whole movie nothing, absolutely nothing? Did they know the movie was so bad that the only way people would sit through this was the promise of massive jugs? 3) Fighting scenes. In 1960 they knew how to make the scenes better. This movie is an insult to all those great cult movies, is an insult to acting, actors and everything it stands for. Non of these actors should ever be allowed to be on the white-screen again. Isn't there some sort of police for this? I had to create an IMDb account, just to express my disbelieve.

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• this film takes being rubbish serious

  carl-5162015-11-29

  What this lacks in the way of a script, direction, acting, camera work, technical production it makes up for by just being rubbish on an epic scale. I'll be taking this back tomorrow and asking for a refund, it was disappointing on so many levels I don't know how to continue this review. Well done..... Really I mean it..... I'm not just saying it to bring up the word count.... Yup.... really..... all I need is ten lines and this can be posted as a review just a few more and here we are.....

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• Worst movie ever

  reddog-109282015-12-29

  oh dear.. This is without doubt the worst movie I have ever had the misfortune to watch. The plot is both unbelievable and shockingly bad. The "acting", and I use that term very loosely, is embarrassing. I swear there was no script and people were simply free styling this drivel. I can only conclude someone has got a bunch of money for this drivel and must be killing themselves laughing. Do yourselves a favor and stay well clear. Don't even watch out of blind curiosity as it is one and half hours of your life you are never getting back. You will honestly thank me for it. Someone is fiddling with the IMDb rating if this is anything above a 1.

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